


Sad solstice

by EllieStormfound



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depressive Thoughts, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eskel - Freeform, Jaskier | Dandelion Has Feelings, Jaskier | Dandelion Whump, Kaer Morhen, M/M, Vesemir - Freeform, Winter At Kaer Morhen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28176234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieStormfound/pseuds/EllieStormfound
Summary: In which Jaskier wants to celebrate winter solstice with the witchers at Kaer Morhen but is overwhelmed by the feeling of not actually belonging there. Can Lambert of all people help?
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion, Jaskier | Dandelion & Lambert
Comments: 30
Kudos: 121





	Sad solstice

**Author's Note:**

> CW: depressive thoughts, anxiety/panic attack

Jaskier was standing in the doorway to the library of Kaer Morhen, watching the witchers sitting together. 

It was the middle of winter and even though he knew the witchers didn’t normally celebrate winter solstice, Jaskier had still brought gifts for everyone. 

A few days ago he had ventured outside to the forest with Geralt, warmly wrapped in not one but two warm woolen cloaks, mittens, a scarf and hat to collect twigs of evergreen and had secretly snapped off some mistletoe and smiled as he hid it in his cloak so Geralt wouldn’t see.

The next day he had decorated the library with the evergreen and paper ornaments - stars, orbs and bells - he had crafted the days before.  
And when the day of the winter solstice arrived, he had gotten up uncharacteristically early to prepare all the wonderful and delicious delicacies he remembered from his childhood in Lettenhove. Baked apples, spiced cookies, mulled apple cider and gingerbread. 

He had asked the witchers to gather in the library that evening to celebrate with him and everyone had gladly accepted the offer. 

He had bought the gifts long before the winter and had carried them up the mountain. A book with old elven poetry for Vesemir, three pairs of warm and soft woolen socks for Lambert, a cookbook with recipes from Toussaint for Eskel and a new horse brush for Geralt (he was always happiest about gifts for Roach).

The wrapped gifts piled up in his arms as he looked over to the witchers. They were sitting in huge leather armchairs in a semicircle around the fireplace where a fire was burning with delightful crackling and popping sounds. Lambert was telling a story and the rest of them were listening closely and laughing. 

Jaskier noticed that they already had cups in hand with the warm mulled apple cider he had prepared this morning so it had time to steep. 

The bright smile on his face dimmed a bit as he thought about the speech he had worked on, funny and not too long to hold the witchers attention for the official start of their evening celebration after which he thought they would all clink together their mugs. And now they were already drinking. Without him.

And a heartbeat after that Jaskier realized that there was no empty armchair in their semicircle left for him.  
And somehow his heart sank even further. A cold feeling trickled down his back. He knew that it didn’t mean anything, that they would just get another armchair from the next room when they noticed him, but somehow Jaskier felt suddenly… out of place.

He had been so overjoyed when Geralt had finally asked him after years to accompany him to Kaer Morhen over the winter. Seeing the place where the witcher grew up, where he returned to every year, meeting the other witchers, essentially his family, was a dream come true. The friend he had spent so much time and adventures with would allow him into another important part of his life. 

But now he wasn’t so sure if it had been a good idea...

As a breath caught in his throat, Geralt turned around and looked at him.  
He frowned as he saw the look on the bard’s face.  
“Jaskier?” he asked.  
“Umm…” the bard began, not sure what to say, and suddenly feeling very small under the gazes of four witchers now looking closely at him.  
Geralt got up and walked over.

“Is everything okay?” he asked softly. He could see that Jaskier was paler than usual and he could see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.  
When he was standing in front of him, Jaskier shook his head, thrust the gifts in Geralt’s arms and said, “I...ahm...forgot something…” turned around and nearly ran down the hall, away from the warm library and the witchers. 

Geralt dumped the presents on his abandoned armchair and looked at the other wolves.  
“What was that about?”  
“You should probably go after him,” Eskel said, “make sure he is alright.”  
Geralt scratched his head. “You don’t think that he wants to be alone?”  
“No, you dumbhead,” Lambert said, “ask him at least if he wants to be left alone.”

“I don’t know,” Geralt said, “he always says when something is bothering him, so he is probably alright?” The last few words sounded more like a question.

Lambert stood up, said “you are a fucking moron,” and went after the bard himself. 

It wasn’t hard to follow Jaskier. The bard’s footsteps echoed through the halls but what worried Lambert was the salty scent of tears. When he heard the creak of the huge wooden door to the courtyard he took up speed. Jaskier’s clothes were not nearly warm enough to venture outside in the snow.

Jaskier made a few hurried steps outside. He needed to feel something else than the tingling feeling that made him want to scratch his skin off. And he needed to breathe cold fresh air to chase away the nausea that had risen up in him. 

He stopped in the middle of the courtyard and leaned forward bracing his hands on his knees, trying to slow his breathing.  
“Jaskier?” he heard Lambert call. He stood up quickly, wiped his eyes and put on an unconvincing smile. 

“Come on,” Lambert said, as he stood in front of him, “let’s go inside and there you will tell me what’s wrong.”

“Wrong?” Jaskier echoed, “nothing is wrong.” He sounded hollow and wouldn’t have believed himself. Lambert just looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

“I…” the bard had an uncharacteristically hard time to find the right words, “I need a bit of fresh air.” Lambert eyed him closely and nodded. But he got out his gloves that were handily stored in a side pocket of his pants and handed them to Jaskier. “Okay, but put them on.”  
Jaskier nodded and did just that. 

Lambert could see that Jaskier was timing his breathing, four seconds in, holding the breath for seven seconds and breathing out for eight. After about a minute the bard looked up into Lambert's eyes and nodded. The witcher led them back inside, not to the library but to his own room. Jaskier followed him without question.

Jaskier gave him back the gloves but when he stayed silent Lambert asked, “what is wrong, buttercup?”

The bard shook his head. It was not that he didn’t want to answer, but that he didn’t know how. 

How could he tell Lambert that he, what? He felt left out? That he felt just like the guest he was and not a part of the wolves like he wanted to be? 

Jaskier was surprised when Lambert walked over to him and wrapped him in an embrace. The bard had learned that Lambert showed physical affection way easier than Geralt. Jaskier pressed his face in the crook of Lambert’s neck and was grateful for the strong arms that held him together. 

“Jaskier,” Lambert said after a moment, “you don’t have to talk to me, but you can.” 

Jaskier sniffed and stayed silent for a while longer before he finally managed to whisper, “I just feel like...no one needs me here.” His voice was thick with unshed tears.

Lambert hummed and asked, “what makes you think that?”  
“I...you…” Jaskier stammered. He swallowed and tried again, “it sounds dumb…”  
Lambert sighed, but not in irritation, “say it anyway.”

“You are all so...I don’t know...you know each other so well, for years, you have your routines and sometimes…” his voice had gotten really quiet, “sometimes I feel like I don’t really have a place here...don’t have a reason to be here.”

The arms he had wrapped around Lambert’s middle tightened at the last few words, as if he needed to hold on to something. 

“You are right,” Lambert said, “we don’t need you here.” When he felt Jaskier stiffen in his embrace he quickly continued, “we WANT you to be here. We like having you here.”

“What?...” Jaskier said and leaned back a bit so he could look into Lambert’s eyes. 

The witcher had a stern look on his face as he eyed Jaskier closely.  
“You are not here because we need you, but because we like having you here. With us.”  
Jaskier looked down, the golden gaze of the witcher too intense.  
He sighed and whispered, “sometimes I just feel like an afterthought.” 

“When do you feel like this, tell me a situation,” Lambert said after a moment.

“It is stupid,” Jaskier said and pressed his face to Lambert’s chest, avoiding his gaze further.  
“No it is not,” the witcher insisted, “tell me.”

“When I came to the library just now, there was no empty chair for me in your circle and…” he breathed in deeply before he said, “I had thought we would all start together, drinking the apple cider, opening the presents…”

“Oh,” Lambert said. His hand was stroking soothing circles onto Jaskier’s back.  
“You know we would have pulled a chair over for you,” he said.  
“I know...it was…”

“We could have been more thoughtful,” Lambert said when Jaskier didn’t finish his sentence. Jaskier just hummed into his chest.  
“I’m sorry,” Lambert said.

“Thank you,” Jaskier replied in a small voice. A moment later he said, “and maybe I should have told you about my plan to start drinking the cider together.”  
“Yes, maybe,” Lambert said.  
They stood like this for a moment longer till Jaskier could breathe normally again. 

“Shall we go back to the others?” Lambert asked, “I can kick Geralt out of the armchair so you can have his.”  
Jaskier grinned and nodded and they made their way back to the library and the other wolves.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Find me on tumblr [EllieStormfound](https://elliestormfound.tumblr.com/)


End file.
